Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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