I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
