Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
