We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
