Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
