the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
