I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
