I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
