i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
