Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
