what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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