im six kinds of drunk right now
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
