Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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