I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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