No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
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You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize