i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
