Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
