I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
