How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
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I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
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ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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