also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
