I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
