DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
