I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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