im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
