We're facebook friends in real life
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
