Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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