Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So squirting runs in the family.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize