Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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