Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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