Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My liver just had a heart attack.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
