I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
