My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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