Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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