So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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