Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
