god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
