How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The power of my boobs compel you
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
