nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
