How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
