guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
