i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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