the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
