Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
