Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
