Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
