dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
