Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
