6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
