Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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