Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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