Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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