It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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