I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
