I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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