im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
